It all started when we decided to give our relationship another try at the beginning of January. I knew that it would take time and work to get back to where we once were because so much had happened and a lot was said in the month that we were apart. This was an unfamiliar path for me. I’ve never gotten back together with someone after we’ve broken up. Something inside my brain just wouldn’t allow it to happen. I realize now that I feared abandonment and it was that same fear that made me insecure when I restarted this relationship.

Realizing this didn’t make me feel good. Nobody wants to label themselves insecure. However, the good thing about labeling it was that I also knew that I could decide if I wanted to keep this label or if I wanted to remove it. Insecure is definitely not something that I’m keeping.

I had a long talk with myself last night. I reminded myself that the only person that I was in control of was me. I know who I am. I know what I’ve achieved. I know where I’m going. There really just isn’t anything for me to be unsure of. And there certainly isn’t any time for it.

I don’t expect to be able to flip the switch overnight (It should take a few days). I’m just glad that I caught this early and talked some sense into myself.

Growth.

Related posts:

1. How to Balance Being an Entrepreneur with a Relationship
2. Overcoming this Block and Finding a Purpose
3. I Loved Emotionally Unavailable Men

January

- Started the new year on the beach in Salvador, Brasil (wearing purple while everyone else wore white).

February

-Danced in the streets of Salvador during Carnaval until 6 am in the morning and realized that being drunk is the only way to do it.
-Started off my birthday on the beach in Salvador at midnight with a bag of ruffles and a can of Skol, before being rudely interrupted my someone.

March

-Contemplated ripping up my return ticket for the US and decided against it. I learned that I should live in the moment more!

April

-Met Angela Lansbury at the Signature Theatre Gala and she’s as cool as I thought she would be.
-Learned to speak up when something is bothering me, even if it’s really, really difficult. Real friends will understand.

May

-Saw my best friend graduate from law school in Houston.
-Started dating again and met some really great guys and only one weirdo.
-Flew to New York for the day to hang out with all of my friends in Brooklyn.

June

-Started discovering that Atlanta is not all bad and there are quite a few places that I really love and would actually miss: Octane Coffee, The Glenn Hotel lobby and Spoon.
-Went to the BEST CONCERT EVER: Nas and Damian Marley. Effin win.
-Perfected cooking moqueca just in time for the World Cup (even though Brasil lost).
-Learned that I had a habit of loving men that weren’t emotionally available.

July

(Hmmm, I can’t think of anything memorable that happened in this month. Not a thing.)

August

-Met a guy and started a whirlwind relationship. There are too many memories from this to list them all.

September

-Opened myself up to love (regardless of the outcome).

October

-Went to South Carolina to meet Pearl Fryar.
-Laid on the beach in Aruba for hours by myself. Very relaxing.
-Partied with my friends in DC.

November

-Ate an insane amount of fried fish in Panama City, Panama and used Spanish I hadn’t thought about in 10 years.
-Walked the streets of Casco Viejo (Panama) and remembered why I loved colonial cities/areas.

December

- Learned that I still have a habit of loving men that are emotionally unavailable, lol.
-Started “planning” all the trips that I will take and projects that I will work on in 2011.

Whew! I’ve done quite a lot this year and I know that next year will be even better than I can imagine right now. I’m pretty fortunate. I’m excited to see what the new year will bring.

I hope that 2011 is full of exciting new adventures for you all!

Related posts:

1. New Year, Same Old Dreams
2. Lessons Learned This Week
3. Eat, Pray, Love Pt. II

Somehow over the past four months I’d found myself deeper in love than I knew was possible. And now, here I was faced with all these feelings and emotions after I told myself that I was ready to get over them. And not only was I ready to get over them, but I would do it in a week max. Turns out I was fooling myself.

I’m in love.

Yup, I’m in love.

The good thing is that I don’t feel angry or upset. It actually makes me smile. I smile because I’m slowly realizing that it’s one of those loves that don’t you don’t come across very often. I should tell you that my friends would say, especially AP, that I have a tendency to “fall in love” rather easily. However, not like this. And while it’s attacked me quite suddenly, I’ll use this opportunity to slow down mentally.

What do I mean?

Well, I realized on Friday and then on Saturday that I’m completely out of kilter. This is no way to start the new year. While I can deal with being love, I can’t deal with being off balanced at the beginning of 2011 (which by the way is going to be a great year.) So, I’ll be taking the following steps for the next 10 days or so.

1. Relish in solitude. This one is first because because I can’t accomplish any of the other things without really getting inside myself. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this and I’m really looking forward to it. I love solitude and it’s a good time to get back to a place where I only hear my own voice.

2. Write. I write here and enjoy it. Before this blog, I always kept a composition book filled with my thoughts. During this time, I’ll continue to write here (especially at the conclusion of it) but I’ll also write some incoherent scribbles on bits of paper for myself.

3. Read. Right after Thanksgiving I picked up Tim Ferris’ book the “Four Hour Work Week.“ If you’ve been reading my blog, it should come as no surprise that this book appeals to me. I’ve pulled out some good information from there that will eventually help me accomplish some of the things that I’ve been aiming it. Since it will probably help with my planning, I’d like to finish it in the next few days.

4. Plan. I know better than anyone that planning is bullshit and adapting is better. However, there are some things I need to sketch out for next year. Most of them are business related and the others relate to travel. I’ll keep things flexible, but the goal is to have a general idea of where my life is going.

5. Pray & meditate. I really don’t know where I’d be without prayer. Actually, I do know: lost. For the next 10 days, I’m going to sit in a corner praying and meditating. I pray often, but it’s been a long time since I’ve meditated . One day in the near future I’ll write a post on my favorite techniques and why this is all so important

(Believe me, I realize that this post is all over the place. Which is exactly why I need to sit and get myself together.)

Related posts:

1. Eat, Pray, Love Pt. II
2. Eat, Pray, Love
3. Six Months Down

The good thing is that I have created a system to deal with it:

1.Pray. I don’t know why things happen the way that they happen, but I do know that I don’t need to understand it. I have a really strong faith and trust that God knows better than me and is working things out in the way that they need to happen. So instead of praying for the outcome that I want, I pray for what is intended to happen and the strength to get through it. I do this knowing that I might not always like the immediate solution, but that things will work out for me in the end. It’s never done me wrong.

2. Cry. A few years ago, I found out that my ex had gotten married and it hit me hard. It sucked. My friend told me to have a bad night and a great morning. That advice stuck with me. Now, I give myself a time period in which I can be as miserable as I want, cry as much as I want and act as irrational as I want. Once that is over, I go back to my normal self. The key is to give yourself a realistic time period. For this one, I gave myself a week.

3. Laugh. I love to laugh. In general, I like being happy. So, even when I’m going through a hard time, I make sure that I remember to laugh. (This is of course after I listen to the required amount of sad love songs to get the tears out.) Laughing while being upset isn’t always easy, so I make sure to watch things like Seinfeld (a guaranteed good time.) This time Aziz Ansari’s special helped a whole heap.

4. Purge. I get rid of everything that might serve as a reminder. All pictures and mementos are removed. Emails are archived or discarded. I won’t go as far as blocking anyone on gchat, but they’ll definitely be removed so that I can’t see them. Whatever I have to do to make sure there are as few reminders as possible, that’s what I do.

5. Close the door. I know how important it is to keep myself mentally healthy. To make sure I stay that way, I close the door all the way so that I can really move on. I’ve learned the hard way that this is the only way to do it. Once it’s over, it’s over. I’ve yet to meet anyone that is willing to do what it would take to get me to change my mind. And that’s fine with me. If they were willing, chances are we wouldn’t have broken up in the first place.

6. Work. I love being an entrepreneur. My work is always there to give me some sense of purpose and help keep me moving. No matter how I’m feeling, things still need to get done. And while I might take a few days off, once I finish feeling sorry for myself, I get back up and pour all my energy into work. Something good is around the corner.

In outlining things in this way, I’m definitely not trying to make it seem like it’s easy. This break up in particular has been really hard for me. Sometimes, I think people look at me and think that I’m so strong that it’s really easy for me to get over things like this. But it isn’t. I’m just as fragile as anyone else, sometimes even more than most.

I bounce back because I have to. Even when I don’t want to, I’m reminded that it’s what’s expected of me. It’s exhausting.

One day, hopefully I’ll find a man that realizes that what I need is for him to allow me to be weak occasionally without judging me for it. And hopefully he’ll trust me enough to be strong for him when he needs it.

Related posts:

1. Dealing with Verbal Abuse
2. Another Year Older
3. I Was Being Insecure

Since then, I’ve grown up and come to my senses. (It’s really insane to dislike Bob Marley’s music. Seriously insane.)

Is This Love is one of my favorite Bob songs. Yesterday, I came across a cover version by Bilal. I’m a huge Bilal fan, but I was skeptical at best. However, it’s quite amazing. The video was also beautifully shot. I’m in love.

Related posts:

1. Eat, Pray, Love Pt. II

That was four years ago and even then I knew I would reach the point where I might want to give a relationship a try. While it is easier for me to do it now, I’m realizing that there are still challenges that I have to overcome if both of these things are to be successful.

Here are three things that I think are important to help find a delicate balance:

1. Find someone that understands. One of the main reasons that I stayed away from relationships is that very few people understand what it’s like to be an entrepreneur. It’s not an easy road. It comes with many highs and many lows. Over the years, I’ve come across quite a few guys that just couldn’t get it. They wanted time that I just couldn’t afford to give.  I have more time to give now, but it’s also great to have someone that lets me take as much time as I need for myself.

2. Keep a schedule. The relationship is still fairly new and for the first couple of weeks, all I wanted to do was see him. It was easy to do because I work from home (unless I’m at a shoot) so my time is pretty flexible. I suck at schedules, but I knew that creating one would be key to keeping my sanity and dragging my head out of the clouds. I haven’t perfected it yet, but it’s getting better.

3. Take time off. I have the ability to work every day for years at a time. I’ve done it for awhile now. I might not work eight hours a day, but there is rarely a day that goes by that I’m not doing something work related. I’ve learned that it’s ok to take a day off or two and do nothing else but get lost in the company of someone else.

For now, these things are working well. We’ll see what happens when I throw travel into the mix. But that’s another test for another day.

Related posts:

1. When to Sacrifice for a Relationship
2. My First Few Months as An Entrepreneur
3. I Was Being Insecure

Ten minutes ago, he approached me in the smoky reggae club and asked me to dance. An overture that I’ve grown accustomed to declining. But, I danced with him. It was only the beginning of breaking all the rules that I had about encounters with men in reggae clubs–No dancing with anyone that asks, no having a conversation, no giving out my number…and if for some reason all those get broken, definitely no answering the phone the next day.

That night, we danced, we talked, he walked me to my car and I gave him my number. When he called the next day, we talked for over an hour. The details of the conversation are murky at best. Actually, most of what’s occurred since then is covered in a thin layer of murk (I’m pretty sure I can’t use murk in such a way).

The next day, he sent me a message saying: Good morning. It’s the type of the thing that made me run in the other direction when other guys did it. But here I was smiling. And when he asked me to dinner later that evening, I found myself accepting.

In my mind, I knew this was going nowhere. I was intrigued, but he smoked. And that wasn’t even the worst of it. He didn’t believe in God. He wasn’t my type. (I don’t even have a type and yet, he’s not it). This was going nowhere.

But there we were at dinner at a cute restaurant in Atlanta…conversing easily…flirting. Dinner turned into a movie. A movie turned into a stroll. A stroll turned into a kiss…

We saw each other two more times that week. We talked for hours. We drank tea. Old ladies smiled as we walked aimlessly arm in arm. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and I didn’t even think about running when he did the same. It was all very…nice.

It’s been three weeks now and we’ve seen each other about a dozen times. If someone would have told me that I would be dating a smoker that didn’t believe in God, I would have scoffed at the idea (so much so that I did about a month ago when I wrote that it would never happen). I’m either maturing and allowing myself to be more open minded than I ever have or this is all very stupid and will blow up in my face in a few weeks.

I don’t know the answer yet.

And for now, I’m comfortable living the questions now and allowing the answers to come eventually (thanks Rilke).

No related posts.

I was wondering then (as I’m wondering now after reading CNN’s latest story “Does the black church keep black women single?“): How is this still news?

Yes, black women are single. But are we really the only race with single women in it? Also, I’m a single black woman and I’m rather ok with it. Should I really be hanging my head in despair instead?

Maybe I just don’t see the problem, much less why it’s being viewed as a growing epidemic. It’s possible that it’s because I have 10 really close female friends and out of the group of us, two are married, one is engaged, five are in serious relationships and only three of us are single. For those of us that are single, I always assumed that we just haven’t found the right person yet and not that the world (the dating world) was against us and that it was all but hopeless for us to ultimately come in contact with the right person.

It’s also possible that it’s because I photograph weddings, of which a high percentage of those are black weddings. So, I constantly see black women getting married.

Furthermore, I’ve been dating in Atlanta for the past few months (where a majority of these studies are conducted and shows are taped) and I’ve realized that there are quality guys here. Now, they may not be the right fit for me and I might get thoroughly frustrated with dating, but it’s not because the men don’t exist. I’ve easily come across seven men that were educated and looking for someone serious (only one of which was a complete weirdo). For whatever reason, it didn’t work out with them, but it’s not because there was something wrong with either of us, we just didn’t mesh.

For these reasons, I’m just not buying the hype. It seems to me that highlighting the issue the way that these news organizations do, only make the problem worse. But who knows, maybe that’s the point.

And while I wish it would stop, I’ve already seen the future. I received the email below from an organizer of one of the meetup groups that I’m in.

A major cable network is looking for Atlanta’s hottest single African American women ages 27-35 to interview for our upcoming relationship series. We are looking for women that could go pro in the art of dating; who could write a book about her experiences and articulate them like tragic poetry on camera.

We are looking for relatable, approachable, outgoing women! We want women that are having a hard time understanding why they cannot meet anyone that they’re interested in having a second date with, let alone the man of her dreams…

Have you exhausted the supply of good-looking men in town? Are you convinced that every good-looking, available man is just that because they are players that will never settle down with one woman? Let us help you put an end to this crisis! In a town where the male population heavily outweighs the female, why is it so hard to find ‘the one’ in this day and age?

For whatever reason, you seemingly have it all, but you’re still single… This is not a show where you will receive tough love or dating advice from an ‘expert’. This is a documentary series about the honest ins and outs of a single African American woman in Atlanta.

If this sounds like you or someone you know please respond ASAP with your contact info, age, occupation and a couple of photos (close-up and full body).

Send to: kredcast@gmail.com.

When will it end, when will it end…

Related posts:

1. Yes, I’m Single…And I Enjoy It
2. American Airlines’ Black Atlas
3. 10 Things All Single People Must Do

2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart. Oh, the pain. The agony. The pints of Ben & Jerry’s in front of the cable TV. Yep, getting dumped is beyond awful, but guess what? It’s the only way that you’ll develop the empathy you’ll need to be a better partner in a relationship. Because if you’re sensitive to the grief someone else has caused you, you’re less likely to do the same to anyone else. So, consider this painful milestone a lesson in karma that’ll serve you well as you travel through your dating days.

3. Spend a weekend with a married couple your age. On lonely nights, it’s common for single folk to envision marriage as a cozy scene from a classic film or mail-order catalog. But by spending 48 hours with a real couple, you’ll learn that in between the snuggling and pet names comes growling, bickering, silent treatments and maybe even a slammed door or two before they ultimately compromise. It will show you what married life is like, warts and all, so you won’t over-idealize the two-becomes-one phenomenon again.

4. Don’t come home all night. That’s right, wild thing. Crash on a friend’s couch, take your friends up on that offer of a last-minute trip… Once you have a mate, you can’t just take off on your own without explanation. And, truthfully, you won’t want to. So if you don’t have someone you have to call and check in with every few hours, take this opportunity to check out!

5. Stand up for a cause you care about. Whether you volunteer to help register voters for the next election (why not start early?) or convince your neighborhood or apartment complex to start recycling, get fired up over an issue while you have the time to devote to it. It will remind you that while, yes, finding your soul mate is pretty important, there are other issues at stake in the world that could use your help. And besides, the big-heartedness you’ll be cultivating is very attractive.

Read the rest here.

Related posts:

1. Black Women Are Single. How is this Still News?
2. Yes, I’m Single…And I Enjoy It
3. People Are Living

I was talking to one of my friends in Brazil earlier this week. She was having a particularly bad day because things had just ended miserably with the guy that she traveled halfway around the world to be with. I felt bad for her. It’s a story that I’ve heard many times before and I’ve experienced it myself. She was beating herself up about it, because it was her second trip to Brazil for something she felt was a mistake.

As I tried to cheer her up, I reminded her that now she had no regrets. She no longer had to wonder several years from now how things would have turned out if she didn’t go. She knew the outcome and even though it hurt no,  with time, she would heal from it. I also reminded her how beautiful of a city she was able to to still be in. (I mean seriously, if things are going to end badly, it’s nice to have sunshine and a beach to drown your sorrows in.) Her trips to Brazil still included great memories that she’ll always have.

Later that day, I came across a blog post that helped validate what I’d said. It contained a quote from playwright Edward Albee. He was relaying a story about a young writer who left school for a year to tour and write in Paris. When asked if the young writer was making the right decision, Albee said he probably wasn’t, but it was ok. He continued:

“I think people should be adventuresome,” Albee said. “I think people should make mistakes. Make the interesting mistakes. The trick is making more interesting mistakes and doing stuff that you may regret, but what’s wrong with that? There’s more regret in what you don’t do than what you do.”

Makes sense to me. In life, you’re bound to make mistakes. Making boring mistakes suck. It’s much better when you have a great adventure to tell about it. I have definitely made some interesting mistakes. I’ve learned from them and the memories still make me smile. And you really should never regret something that once made you smile.

Photo by Abnel Gonzalez. Gotta love flickr.

Related posts:

1. Why Planning is Bullshit and Adapting is Better
2. People Are Living
3. Another Year Older