If you would have asked me awhile ago (two months) if I had a type of man, I would have said no. However, it turns out that I did. I loved men that were emotionally unavailable to me. And I’ve realized that it was because I was emotionally unavailable myself. I attracted relationships that I knew wouldn’t work in the end because I wasn’t ready to have one. They ranged from men that just finished long term relationships, to men that were newly separated, to men that hated their mothers.

I hate to admit it, but a lot of it stemmed from leaving the door open with my ex from…*gulp…five…ok six…years ago. It was one of those Carrie, Mr. Big type situations. (Once I realized what a dreadful situation that was, I was really kinda pissed that Carrie and Mr. Big ended up together. I know it’s TV, but it really sends a horrible message. One that I was naive enough to buy. Screw you SATC. *End rant) At the end of the relationship, I decided I didn’t really want to date and I just needed some time to work on myself and become a better person. That was the good part about.

Somewhere in this healing process though, I told myself that eventually he would come back to me and it would work. Well, he ended up getting married. Door closed. Closure, kinda. Then, a year later, I find out that he’s miserable in his marriage. He missed what we had, how great of a time we had and yadda yadda yadda. Door cracked. (Because of course one day he would leave her and come running back to me, right? Terrible, I know.)

In the middle of all this, I took my first trip to Brazil. I met a great guy that I fell in love with. I honestly just fell in love with the idea that I could fall in love again. While that was a very important lesson for me, I knew that this type of relationship would not work. After all, it’s the things movies are made of. American girl meets Brazilian guy on vacation. They fall madly in love…It could happen, but it really wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

As I was rebounding from that relationship (I’m using the term here very loosely) I met another guy. He was recently separated, described himself as trouble. All big red flags that I knew to stay away from. I even told him as much when he approached me. I told him that I was over dealing with guys that weren’t emotionally available. Well, in the end, I started talking to him anyway. (I’m a sucker for good conversation, especially in a country where it is hard to find English speakers.)  It got to the point where we were together every day. One day he told me he loved me, but he wasn’t ready to feel that way right now. That was the end for me. I finally remembered why I told myself to avoid that situation. I told him that I understood his situation and I didn’t fault him for what happened, but I was finally in a place where I wanted someone that was free to love me. Completely available. And that was the end. I don’t regret what happened because I learned quite a bit that I will continue to take with me. They include how I want to be treated by a man, when to listen to that tiny voice in my head, to move slower when starting something new and that relationships ending are really ok. (I’ll expand on these in future posts.)

After all of this, I started taking a good look at myself and what I projected compared to the things I wanted. I also had to really look at my values and how they lined up with the life I was living. I wasn’t really far off from where I wanted to be, but I still need to make some changes.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t beat myself up about these things because it was all part of the growing process. I really wasn’t ready for a relationship. And there really wasn’t anything wrong with that. I was young. (I’m still young.) However, now, I do want a relationship and I know that there are things I have to do differently. Now, now…I’m still happy and enjoying being single (happy is happy) and I’m definitely not going to rush into anything. (I did feel my biological clock ticking for a bit. Then I watched my friend’s kids and shut that shit off.) I’m just more open and willing to take the steps to establish something healthy. I do believe that there are several people out there that can complement me (“The One” is very overrated.)

So, I’ve started actively dating again. I don’t have a ridiculous list of things that I’m looking for, but at the very top is: someone that is emotionally available. Because, I finally am.

Related posts:

1. Dealing With A Break Up
2. When to Sacrifice for a Relationship
3. How to Balance Being an Entrepreneur with a Relationship