I didn’t think this could possibly happen to me. It wasn’t until I was reading an entry on Boston Globe’s Love Letters (my new favorite space on the Internet that feeds my fascination with relationships) that I had a name for what I had been feeling for days, weeks, months…or even years. You see, I’d just finished spending time with my really close male platonic friend. We’ve been friends for about five years now, we talk for hours on the phone about 4 nights a week and IM all day, every day via gchat. It’s one of those situations where everyone asks (constantly) why we’re not dating or planning a quick wedding. For years, I never had a good answer for that, but now it’s clearer.

After I spent two weeks with him, I felt emotionally drained. I couldn’t figure out why, but I knew that I had to find out. So, I stopped talking to him for a few days and tried to let it come to me. I wondered maybe if I was secretly in love with him or maybe I was just running away from someone who was so close to me. When I read that letter on Boston Globe, I finally found a name to what I had been feeling…verbal abuse. I really couldn’t believe it. I was shocked, embarrassed and ashamed. How could I love (in a very platonic way) someone so much that was verbally abusive towards me?

However, even if I wanted to call it another name (and I desperately did), all the clues were there: the derogatory name calling, belittling, inconsideration of my feelings, being extremely critical, laughing when I cry (I’ll explain this one later), calling me over sensitive, accusing me of not being able to take a joke when I complained, saying it was for my own good “to toughen me up” and simply not stopping when I asked that it stop.

The most troubling part for me, is that somehow (months ago? years ago?) I adapted to it. It became a very normal part of our friendship and I just returned the abuse, even when I knew I disliked it. However, something major happened when I was with him the other day. I had an incredibly horrible day with a long list of events that made me late for a wedding (I’m always an hour early, hanging in my car, listening to music, eating a bagel and drinking some tea..that’s how many things went wrong). It was one of those days that just plain sucked and there was nothing that could be done about it. When the day was over and we met up again, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I’d just shot for 11 hours and the day’s events were still on my mind. He asked what was wrong. I told him. And he laughed. Shitty. It all felt pretty shitty. I cried. I allowed myself to break down. He continued to laugh. That was my breaking point and what really told me that this all wasn’t normal. I can be a pretty funny storyteller and even my misfortunes have a comedic appeal. However, when you see a tear rolling, that is a clear indication that it’s not funny.

The next day we talked about it and I told him how it made me feel. He eventually apologized (kinda). I told him there was something seriously wrong with him, because that just wasn’t a normal response, especially not when you say you love someone. Eventually all was forgiven, but not forgotten and I struggled to figure out what was happening. After reading the Globe entry, it clicked. He was verbally abusive and I allowed it. I allowed it because I didn’t want to seem weak. Once I figured it out, here’s what I happened:

1. Researched. I googled everything that existed on verbal abuse, because that’s what I do. I read all the signs, remedies and stories from people that had gone through it.

2. Forgave myself. I had a little talk with myself and accepted that I had gotten into a bad and uncomfortable situation. I didn’t allow myself to feel guilty or weak about it. I told myself that we’ll learn from this and use it to be stronger in the future.

3. Mentally dealt with our friendship. I came to peace that after the next few steps, it was possible that I would lose someone that was very close to me. I told myself that even though it would hurt like hell, it would be ok. I would be ok, like I always am. I was only in control of my actions, the rest was up to him.

4. I wrote (and sent) him an email. I told him exactly how I felt. That I didn’t like the way he treated me and what specific things that he said that bothered me.  And then I told him that I would not tolerate it anymore. I told him that I still wanted to be friends, but our friendship had to change if it was to continue and be healthy for both of us.

5. I waited and then received his email. It was what I expected. He told me I was too sensitive. That he had no intentions on being a nice guy so I shouldn’t expect a change. He would censor himself, but that meant that we should only talk via gchat or skype and only about important issues. And that I shouldn’t ask for his thoughts input or advice on anything that I knew his answer would offend me.

6. I got pissed off! I read his email about 10 times pissed off and thinking about what to do. My initial response was that his email would be our last interaction.  Friendship over. Season finale. So long folks. That whole bit. Then I calmed down. The truth was, I cared, about him. I knew this problem was bigger than me and really wanted him to get some help. I also knew that I couldn’t change him. Tough predic. I figured, maybe if I could show him there was a problem, he would change himself. I sent him an email with information that I had found on dozens of websites and all the links to the sites. I told him I cared about him and that I hoped the links would give him some insight.

7. I tried to decipher his reply. He said he had the capacity to not be snide or make mean comments and he’d make it a point not to do so. That I wasn’t one of his male friends, so he would act accordingly. He also thanked me for the links, but said he wasn’t reading them. While this email sounded better than the first, I honestly have no clue what it means and I’m not too worried about trying to find out. I’ve made my boundaries very clear and we’ll see what happens. If we can still be friends and as close as we were, wonderful. If not, then we can’t.

8. Started focusing on myself. I woke up the next day and felt really great. I was able to get a lot of work done and felt a freeness (clearly not a word) that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It’s been about a week and we haven’t spoken and I still feel great. (And no, it isn’t one of those pretending to be great when you’re really miserable.) I miss him, of course. However, I’m really proud of myself and how much I’ve grown over the past few years. I believe my self-esteem is intact (they say this happens to people that have low self esteem or self worth), but I’ll do some digging around just to be sure. Overall though, I feel great and not drained like I was a few weeks ago.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did/are you dealing with it?

Related posts:

1. Update: Dealing With Verbal Abuse
2. Dealing With A Break Up
3. How to Be Happy