For the past two days I’ve been pissed. It was a combination of things, but it all stemmed from feeling that my coupled friends didn’t respect me being single. Now, now, hear me out. (and please remember that I said awhile ago that we were free to say what we wanted here. Don’t hold it against me.)
One of my really good friends is pregnant. I won’t be here when she gives birth because I will be in Brazil. I originally asked her if she was ok with me not being there and she said to go ahead to Brazil. Then the other day, I heard from a mutual friend that she was a bit bummed that I wasn’t going to be there.
My state of pisstivity (clearly I know this isn’t a word, clearly) started because I knew I asked the question ahead of time. I know that I’m not like most people. If I were the one pregnant, I would want my mom there and the person that I was pregnant by. And I would even be ok with my mom not being there. But that’s just me and that’s the way I think. I know everyone else doesn’t think that way, so I ask.
The pisstivity level elevated the more that I thought about how many times this has happened to me in the past few months. A lot of my friends have reached the point in their lives when they are getting married and starting families, so there are tons of celebrations. I can’t make all of them. I would love to, but I can’t. Sometimes there is a conflict with a wedding that I’m shooting or another friend is having a celebration. Then there are times when I just want to celebrate my own milestones.
So back to my original statement…my coupled friends don’t respect me being single. It gets me that people feel entitled to be upset because someone (I) can’t make an event that they are having to celebrate one of their milestones. (I live by the motto: whoever shows up, that’s who’s supposed to be there. Because of this, I ALWAYS have a good time. Just a thought)
Think about it for a second. People would think I was crazy if I ever said any of these statements: I’m bummed you’re getting married, we can’t go to __ anymore; It sucks that you’re pregnant because I wanted you to be in Brazil celebrating my 27th birthday; Damn, it sucks that you’re in law school because you can’t go to Europe like I wanted you to. Oh well, you do what you want.
Crazy, right? So why can people say it to me? Is what I’m doing not important enough to warrant the same respect that I give to what everyone else is doing? Is it not ok for me to say, something that you’re doing conflicted with something that I planned in my life? I understand that it might be a big deal to you because this is your first baby shower or this is your first baby delivery or this is the first time little Timmy is gonna walk or this is the little Timmy’s first birthday or you will never have a second baby again ever or this is your only engagement party ever or this is your only bridal shower ever or this is your only wedding ever or this is…
Now, this is not my way of saying that these things aren’t amazing and beautiful and worthy of a full blown partylikeit’s1999 celebration. They are and I’m genuinely delighted about them. But if I don’t ever do any of these things, does that mean that where I am in my life is not as important? Is it not ok for me to go to Brazil to attend my first carnival ever and write my first novel ever and learn my first new language ever…even if that conflicts with your life? Would anyone ask me to postpone giving birth because they were having a wedding? Would someone ask me to postpone a wedding because they were giving birth? Would the statement “It sucks Shannon can’t make it. Oh well, when Shannon wants something that’s what she does” be ok?
The truth is, we all do what we want.
That’s when I had my AH-HA moment. (Ok, so I really can’t take all the credit for this. I was venting to Rah’saan and he brought up this little gem that we always toss around).
You can’t expect people to act the way that you do.
We’re humans and we all do things differently. It’s what makes us special, for better or worse. My friends can’t expect me to drop everything that I want to do even if it’s what they would do because we’re different people. I also can’t expect my friends to have the reaction that I would have because that’s not who they are.
See how that works…all better.
(Side note: I know someone out there is thinking that I can’t possibly compare a marriage and having a baby to me going to Brazil. But that’s the thing. I can because that’s what’s the most important thing in my world right now. And the same way that it’s the most important thing to me because that’s what I’m doing, it’s the same for everyone else and where they are in life. I’m not saying that nobody cares, but nobody cares the way that you do.)
Cynthia
4 months ago
Testify, girl. I’m on the same wavelength. In fact, I might just blog about it because I had something recent that has struck a chord with me too. I also believe that you are right, I think a lot of people are selfish (which some selfishness is a good thing) but I also think a lot of people are one tracked minded (guys and girls) because they believe that all people have this linear way of thinking and if you aren’t on that path it bothers them. The truth is we all have our own lives to lead, to some it would be getting married and having kids to others it might be just getting married or just having kids or going back to school or leaving the country to do other things. The bottom line is that you all are pursuing your dreams (at least I hope so) and you should never be made to feel bad about that. You should feel supported just like you support your friends even if they don’t understand it; they are your friend and should be okay with it. It’s not personal slight against them, it’s just something that you have to do…
Cynthia´s last blog ..So…I tried Modern Dance on Saturday.
shannon
4 months ago
Yeah, dit-to. I’m (slowly) realizing that this is just the way that it will be. I can’t fully expect them to understand and I guess it’s ok. I just won’t let it stop me from doing what makes me happy.
Rhona
4 months ago
Please! Your going to Brazil is just as important as someone having a baby. Brazil is a milestone for you. I HATE when people make others feel guilty for having different thoughts or goals than them. Being a bit older than you, I can say that you might experience this in life a lot. I always feel guilty for things but you have to prioritize and please yourself in the end. In life you have to have a good balance. Doing for others and yourself. Not being around for the birth will not make the event for your friend any less special. You will see the child eventually. I have written a few posts on similar situations with friends so you are not alone. Don’t take it personally and live the life you mapped out for yourself.
Rhona´s last blog ..Bike travel
shannon
4 months ago
It’s crazy because I feel that once upon a time I knew all of this and it’s kinda the motto that I’ve been living with for awhile now. Thanks for the reminder!
Caldeia
4 months ago
Shannon, going to Brazil is like getting married AND having a baby for you but this is not the norm in society therefore people react. I came to think of an episode of Sex & the city where Carry gets all this baby shower/getting married invitations and spends lots of money on them AND someone steels her Manolo shoes (poor girl…) But at the end she send a want-list for some shoes to celebrate herself being single. I think the point was made! My friends had issues with me when i planned my 25th b-day in Lisbon. So I went and the friends (true ones) who respected my wish (and had the economic possibility) and wanted to celebrate this day with me came with me! We had a faaaab time!
While studying group dynamics i learnt one thing that has been handy. Every individual goes through different things and experiences in life and from that, and the norms that your surroundings give you, you create some kind of a “world map” Now in order to understand other people we compare our “maps” with eachother, because that’s a human thing to do. But often we ignore that the other person’s map is different from ours because of factors we don’t know or can’t relate to on our own.
I agree with you when saying, too bad for you that you’re pregnant and can’t come with to Brazil!
The kid will be around for yeeeeeeeears but your Brazil trip on your 27th b-day is only ones - LIVE IT! =)))
great post btw =)
nuri
4 months ago
i’m so feeling the world maps concept as well. thanks for sharing.
shannon
4 months ago
I remember that episode of SATC! And you’re right, that’s exactly what it’s like. Her friend tries to tell her that she needs to grow up and not spend so much money on shoes just because her friend has a child and is no longer doing that.
I also love the “world map” concept. I’ll have to remember that.
nuri
4 months ago
i have always loathed comparisons. my motto is whatever a person finds to be most important in life is equal to what their friend/family member finds most important to them. and those 2 things, no matter how different they look/feel/sound, are reciprocal. to each their own. one has to step outside of themselves and be empathetic to really, truly get that.
i also feel you on how one small instance or statement can set off a fire storm. i’ve had this type of reaction before to someone saying one carefully placed phrase to me. it can be a trying thing to deal with. but in the end, i always remind myself that my feelings and reactions matter as much as theirs.
just do you and be happy, and everything else will fall into place